


How Would An Angel Fall

by LotusAsh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bottom Castiel, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Self-Hatred, Top Dean Winchester, Torture, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-01-25 08:17:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21353092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LotusAsh/pseuds/LotusAsh
Summary: How would an angel fall?Not by a holy tablet that expels all angels to the earth, not by breaking wings nor losing Grace, not by losing faith nor disobey.An Angel falls in several stages. First, he would know a human, a human with such a beautiful soul that it burns brighter than a supernova. Then, he would start to care about the soul, about the human that's so mortal, but tries so hard to make his life count. Next, he realizes that he loves him, that he is willing to die for him, betraying everything he believed and losing everything he had, to make this human happier, even just a little. And finally, he realizes that he can never have this person he loved with everything he had, because not every love can be returned.Only then, he is truly lost, and not the Grace of an archangel can save him, not the hand of the Lord can heal him. He will fade into nothingness, his last strand of essence turns into the most beautiful feather, vanishing into the vast universe without a trace.Post S15ep03
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 17
Kudos: 59





	1. Seperation

How would an angel fall?

Not by a holy tablet that expels all angels to the earth, not by breaking wings nor losing Grace, not by losing faith nor disobey.

An Angel falls in several stages. First, he would know a human, a human with such a beautiful soul that it burns brighter than a supernova. Then, he would start to care about the soul, about the human that's so mortal, but tries so hard to make his life count. Next, he realizes that he loves him, that he is willing to die for him, betraying everything he believed and losing everything he had, to make this human happier, even just a little. And finally, he realizes that he can never have this person he loved with everything he had, because not every love can be returned.

Only then, he is truly lost, and not the Grace of an archangel can save him, not the hand of the Lord can heal him. He will fade into nothingness, his last strand of essence turns into the most beautiful feather, vanishing into the vast universe without a trace.

___

Castiel opens the bunker's door, steps into the vast and empty world. 

No, it is not empty. The Winchesters have just saved the earth one more time, kept God abandoned creations away from doomed destiny. 

But for him, there is nothing left. 

No Jack, no God, no friends, no families, and no faith. Even his Grace is fading away slowly. 

No Dean. 

All he has now is a vessel of a man that he failed, and a pair of wings that are too broken to carry him to the sky. 

Move on, move on, move on. This is what he told Dean when he said the final goodbye. But how can he move on? What can he move on to? Where can he go?

Go back to heaven? 

His grace is fading. He won't be any help to Heaven. 

To be a hunter? 

He was never good at being a hunter. Even in those better days, he could not solve a case without helps from Sam and Dean. 

Even as a tool, he is useless.

No one cares.

His legs carry him roaming on the road. He keeps walking and walking until his ankles hurt, until his legs are shaking. A bar is standing in front of him, flickering with weary light. He opens the door, scanning on those bottles on the bar shelves. 

Castiel never drinks, because alcohol does not affect him. Now, since he is losing his power, maybe it can numb his brain a little. He orders a Whisky, and then another one, and then another one. Until the fifth round he feels alcohol is taking effect on him. The slight dizziness is not distasteful. It even makes his view brighter than usual. 

Just when he is asking for another round, a man sits beside him. A man appears from nowhere, emitting pure and vibrating energy that was created from the fundamental universe forces. Without seeing his face, Castiel already can tell who he is. 

The Last Archangel. 

Horror fills those blue eyes. Castiel promptly draws his angel blade, but it is too late. Burning pain is overtaking him, from his wrist spreading to his whole body. He screams, but other guests surrounding them cannot hear him. They keep chating, keep drinking, no one even raises their head. 

No one cares. 

"Hello, Castiel." Michael grins, eyes hollow and cold.

..........

Castiel has left for a week. 

Dean startled from a nightmare, with cold sweat staining his forehead. The bone-chilling shriek still echoing in his ear, he cannot tell if it was from Jack, Mary, or Cas. 

Cas...

Dean rubs his face hard, trying to refresh himself up. But every time he closes his eyes, he can still see those sad blue eyes staring into his soul, like a curse. 

He stops his train of thought, swiftly dresses up, and goes to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. A moment later, a pale Sam steps in, with dark circles under his eyes. Apparently, he has the same sleeping issue as Dean.

The brothers exchange a look, then continue their morning routine. Sam goes to pour himself some coffee, while Dean looks into the fridge for some breakfast. Just like every morning in the past year. 

Except, there are no Jack's energetic voice and no beige trench coat in sight. 

The two brothers eat peanut butter and jelly sandwich in silent. Dean occasionally glances at Sam, notices his brother looks haggard. More worrisome, there is a trace of decaying smell coming from Sam. 

Dean's heart is sinking, "Sammy, how is your gun wound?"

Sam replies plainly, "Still hurts sometimes, but it is getting better. "

"Has it starting to heal?"

"Nope." Don't want to add more worry to Dean's mind, Sam adds, "it takes time."

Is it?

It is not a usual gun, but a weapon that can hurt God.

Sam knows Dean is concerned, so he switches the topic, "Anything from Cas?"

Dean's expression shifts slightly. He drops his head, clears his throat, "No."

"Dean, I have been thinking. Those days, we weren't very fair with Cas."Sam proceed carefully, doesn't want to upset Dean than he already has, "We shouldn't blame what happened to mom on him."

Dean sneers, speaking sarcastically, "Yeah, sure."

"I mean it Dean. Mom's passing hurts him as much as it hurts us. And then Jack was gone...Dean, he lost everything."

"Didn't we?! Only if there were a single time he didn't fuck up, we wouldn't have..."

"Dean! He was trying to help us!"Sam tries to put some reason inside his brother's thick skull, to calm those boiling anger and sadness, "He went to Hell for us, for you, more than once. He betrayed Heaven for you, gave up an army for you, also died for you, again, more than once."

"Am I suppose to thank him? If he just stuck with the plan, Rowena wouldn't..."

"I'm just saying, he wasn't well. He told me he couldn't heal Ketch."Sam's face is covered with concern, "and now he is out there all by himself..."

A distant memory invades Dean's mind. He remembers during the Big Fall, when a graceless and weary Castiel showed up at his door, obviously walked all the way from god knows where to find them, asking for his shelter like a lost puppy, what did he do?

Oh, right. He gave Cas a burrito, and then kicked him out. 

Because he made a deal with angel Gadreel to save Sam and Gadreel did not want Castiel to draw more attention to them. He didn't fight for Castiel, he just kicked him out, without a fuss. 

And then, when Sam knew about Dean putting an angel inside him to "save him" and was so pissed off, to the extent that they went separate way, Castiel still tried to comfort him by telling him that he had no choice. He never blamed Dean for kicking him out when he needs Dean the most, seemed like he had already forgotten. 

Every time, Castiel comforts him with an understanding expression on the mature handsome face, staring him with those pure and eternal blue eyes, as if Dean is the most precious being in the whole universe.

Dean feels a sudden throbbing pain in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is my second language, please forgive me for any weird expressions...


	2. Revenge

Castiel opens his eyes and finds himself lying on a familiar bed. 

Four bared concrete walls surround him; one of them is covered with all kinds of guns. No window, minimum furniture. This is Dean's room.

Why is he here?

In his last memory, Michael was hurting him. Their Michael, not the one from the other world. When God opened Hell's gate, unleashing all the fierce spirits to his creations, Michael was gone, and no one knew where he was.

Was Michael a bad dream?

An unfamiliar dull pain is throbbing under his skull as if he was knocked down by an iron hammer. His mouth is as dry as the desert that Moses wondered for 40 years. Hangover, not a pleasant sensation. Castiel decides that he would try to avoid being drunk again. 

Someone opens the door. Light from the hallway pouring into the dim room. A solid black silhouette is standing there, his face hiding in the dark. But Castiel knows who he is.

"Dean？"

Dean steps forward. Lamplight shines over his handsome profile. Those beautiful green eyes are observing him, not giving out any emotional clue.

Castiel thought he might never see Dean again, but now, he is here, lying on Dean's bed. This whole situation is a bit...embarrassing.

"Why am I in your room?" Castiel asks. 

"You were drunk, the bartender found my number in your phone, so I took you back." Dean's voice is cold and distant, as if they are just strangers. 

Castiel tries to ignore the pain that he has gotten used to in his chest. He sits up, noticing his trench coat has been stripped off. The suits that he is wearing is all messy and crumpled. He slowly stands up, wearily walking toward the door. Dean abruptly askes, "where are you going?"

Another familiar question, making Castiel wonder if this is yesterday all over again. Castiel clears his throat and says, "anywhere."

Another step, when he hears Dean says, "Cas!"

Castiel stops.

"Last night, I shouldn't have said that. You know I'm never good at this..."

Castiel is startled, but he doesn't turn.

Dean walked around, standing in front of Castiel with a frown, "I blamed everything on you, its because I needed someone to blame. And you...you always just took it. No matter how hard I pushed you, you always came back."

Anger and sadness are swirling in Castiel's beating heart. He wants to grab Dean's collar, shouting out all his hurt and frustration. He wants to tell him that he has feelings. Even a tool has his limits. And Dean is breaking him.

But now, when he stares into those green eyes that are trying to mask all the loss and sadness under numbness, his anger is sealed by a worrying feeling. He cannot think of anything to shout.

So he asks in a deep and coarse voice, "what do you want, Dean?"

Dean swallows. Words are lingering on his tongue. After a while, he finally forced the words out, "stay, Cas."

That's it. This is all it takes for Castiel to stay. No matter how broken and lost the angel is, no matter how angry and hurt the angel is, all it takes is a sloppy apology from Dean to make Castiel forgive every cruel things that have been said. 

This is how pathetic the angel of the Lord has become. 

Dean steps forward and opens his arm to hug Castiel. Castiel doesn't evade, because he misses it.

Dean hasn't been looking at him for quite a long time, not to mention any physical contacts. Castiel clings to the warmth, so longing to the extent that even if the Empty swallows him in the next second, he would not care. He immerses himself in Dean's arms and scent, almost feeling the scars on his heart starts to heal.

The next second, an overwhelming pain piercing through his shoulder.

Castiel yelped, struggles out of Dean's hand. Dean is holding an angel blade, bone-chilling hatred smothering in his green eyes. Not a trace of gentleness left. 

"Dean! Why are you doing this!" Castiel cannot believe what is happening. This is a dream, it must be a dream. But why the pain is so bloody real? 

Dean launches on him, punches him right in the face. Castiel loses his balance, head bangs on a drawer. Before he can react, another kick drives into his stomach. Dean's attack is sharp and heavy, raining down like a raging storm. Castiel cannot breathe, cannot fight back. He tries to summon up some of his grace, but he cannot find anything left in his worn body.

Blood is running down his nose; the taste of rust is filling his mouth. He can only plead, "Dean! Stop!"

Dean grabs his hair, forcing him to look up. The man that Castiel loved so much looks at him in contempt and scorn, a cold sneer on his lips.

"Did you really think I can forgive you, after you killed mom and Rowena, after you fucked up everything? You pathetic, useless piece of shit!"

Dean's word hurts so much worse compared to the physical harms. Like sharp daggers that are stabbing on Castiel's heart repeatedly. Castiel knew Dean hold grudges on him, but he never knew he hated him so much.

Why? Wasn't he always trying his best to be a good attacking dog?

"Dean, please..."

"Did you really think that Sam and I saw you as a family? If we actually cared about you, why didn't we try to save you when you were possessed by Levithan's and just decided to kill you? Why we left you in the hospital and didn't give a fuck about your mental state? Why did I kick you out when you lost your mojo? Why didn't I care about your feelings? Why didn't I worry that you could die in Hell? Because you were just a tool, a good dog. If it were Sam, I would never let him go. But now, now you don't even have your grace. You are useless to me. Hell, you are useless to anyone."

Every single word breaks Castiel's already broken heart a little more. He could not process, could not believe that those cruel words are spoken by the man he loved with everything he got since he first saw him in Hell.

He has been cornered, pushing to the edge of a cliff. He can no longer sustain his calmness; the desperation cracks his hollow expression.

He says, "kill me."

Dean looks at him silently.

"Kill me!!!" Castiel screams, snatches Dean's wrist, driving the angel blade toward his own heart.

But there is no pain. 

Castiel opens his eyes, and he sees lights.

Pure white lights and endless agony is flushing toward him, drowning him completely. 

Castiel wants to scream, but all he manages is a whimper. Naomi's face appears in his sight, holding a pitiful look.

What is happening? Where is he?

Heaven?

He tries to move, but then realizes that he is shackled on a rack. On his head, a familiar and chilling metal circle is holding his head in place. 

"That was interesting." A sudden voice, light and swift like a gasp of wind.

Castiel shivers with terror.

Michael...

"You have fallen, and you fall hard." Michael lowers his eyes, examining the weak and broken angel on the rack with pity, "you were one of my most loyal and strongest warriors. Look at you now. "

Castiel keeps his mouth shut.

Michael's expression slowly darken. Dean Winchester said yes to Micheal, but not him, another Michael from a different reality. And that Michael killed his Lucifer.

Lucifer, who he loved the most, who can only be killed by him, is gone forever.

God has left too. Everything he cared has gone, even Heaven is on the verge of collapse. Looking from this aspect, he has a lot in common with Castiel.

Wrath awakened him from numbness and hollowness. Rage is the burning lava running under his calm and cold appearance. He wants revenge. He wants to tear Winchesters into pieces and to destroy their angel attack dog with them.

It was so easy to find Castiel, but after a week, the angel haven't given out anything about where do Winchesters hide. 

Michael stands beside Castiel, finger gently touching Castiel's withered dark feathers. Castiel shudders, fear is aggregating in those blue eyes.

"Even if you don't tell, I could still draw them out, with you as bait." Michael chuckles, "you are just giving me an excuse to have more fun with you."

Castiel is still shaking uncontrollably from the nightmares, he can no longer differentiate what is a dream and what is real. But he manages to say," they will not fall for it."

"Oh? Is it because you are no longer useful to them?" Michael slightly tilts his head, asking softly, "tell me, if it is Sam that I am holding as a hostage, will Dean come even if he knows it is a trap?"

Castiel shifts his sight, does not want to show the increasing wetness in his eyes.

From the first day, they kept tearing all the scars on his heart. They killed Jack again and again, even made him do it several times. They made Dean kicked him out again and again; Made Sam and Dean told him that they no longer need him. In those worst ones, Dean tortured him, using those techniques that he learned in Hell. Endless torment, none stop.

Constant pain has weakened him furthermore. He is not sure if he has any power left. A suffocating coldness covers every inch of his body.

Michael lowers his body, grabs Castiel's jaw in his hand and speaks coldly, "My dear brother, this is only the beginning. I can make it so so much worse. I will destroy you, and then, I will use you, or whatever left of you to bait your human out. I will crush them like ants."

And then, Michael left.

Castiel looks at Naomi, plead silently. 

"I'm sorry...but heaven needs an Archangel's power to sustain."Naomi does not want to look at Castiel's sad face anymore, picks up an ice-pick like tool one more time...


	3. The Real Fall

Dean starts to notice that Sam is not sleeping much.

He discovered it during one of their hunts. They were staying in another motel. While sleeping, he heard someone walking in the room and waked up, finding Sam sitting in front of his laptop. The screen light illuminated Sam's emotionless face, seemed somehow...dark.

Sam had always looked tired for the past weeks, his bloodshot eyes, dark circles, and pale color reminded Dean of the time when Sam went through the whole sealing Hell tests. And yet Sam was not sleeping as he should be at 3 in the morning.

Sam dismissed Dean's question by saying that he was not sleepy, and decided to do some more research on local news. 

Sam has not been alright since he got the gun wound from Equalizer. The decaying smell is getting stronger, and Sam has started to become excessively violent occasionally when they are working on cases. Dean recognizes the aggregating dark coldness. It was similar to the look on Sam's face when Sam was soulless after the Apocalypse.

Dean wants to ask someone about the possible effects of Equalizer, but most people who could have answers are dead. As for the British Man of Letters, the only person he somewhat trusted was Ketch, and he is gone too.

Would Cas know anything?

Dean abruptly stops himself's thought from going down that road. 

Sometimes, when he is not on guard, a brooding face of a human-actions-are-so-confusing angel and his trench coat would invade his thought. 

Dean gulps on his beer annoyingly.

And Sam is not the only thing that is troubling him. In the past two weeks, nothing was going as their plan. Dean would have thought that since they had been through Apocalyse more times than Dean has been laid for the past couple years, and had killed more Archangels and gods than God (with a big G) himself, slaying a bunch of bloodthirsty vampires and werewolves shouldn't have been any problem. However, whether it has been the aging process catching up or he is just very unlucky, Dean cannot take down as many monsters as before. Yesterday his throat was almost torn out by a strong werewolf. If not Sam has saved his ass, he would have died two or three times.

On the other hand, Sam has plenty of fights brewing in him. Things have been getting bloody and messy around him, and there was one time, Sam licked the Monster blood from his lips when he thought Dean wasn't watching.

Dean doesn't understand. God has left, the last Apocalypse is over, everything should be back to normal. At least their version of normal anyway...But why everything is seemingly falling apart? 

A hand falls on Dean's shoulder. Dean jolts out of his thought, opens his mouth without thinking, "Ca..."

It was Sam tabbing his shoulder. 

Sam raises his brows, obviously didn't miss Dean's unfinished word. Dean warningly glares his brother, "don't even start."

Sam raises his hand in the air, a peaceful gesture, "I haven't said anything."

"Yeah but your face is loud."

"Speaking of you know who, I have been trying to call him for several days. Cas hasn't picked up the phone. I am worrying a little more."

Dean frowns and says bitterly, "maybe he just doesn't want to talk to us anymore."

"Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you. But it was me calling him. After so many days and dozen of calls, don't you think Cas would have at least picked it up once?"

Sam has his point. No matter how angry Cas has been, whenever they need him, Cas always replies.  
Even though he could not return their call immediately, he would have gotten back to them sometimes later. Cas never indeed rejects them.

Dean does not want to admit his increasingly anxious. 

However, maybe this time, it has been too much. Maybe Dean has crossed the line and hurt him too much with those venom words and distant attitude for him to come back. 

...

Castiel is gulping air, eyes staring lifelessly into the blinding white light above his head. He is in pain, not only physical pain but also spiritual. His true form is in agony, as if he has been dipping his body in acid, melting away all his fleshes and bones. 

Naomi has gone, left a crumpled fallen angel on the rack. 

His memory is a mess. He no longer knows which ones are real and which ones are forced into him by Michael. Shaking involuntarily and consuming by fear, he suspects not much longer he can hold. 

In his last "dream," a black eye Dean hanged him from his wrists, cut him with an angel blade again and again. His clothes were shredded in pieces, his body was covered in his vessel's blood, his voice became hoarse, cracked from screaming in agony. Eventually, even whimpers were too much for him.

Dean was smiling, staring at his sweat soaking face, gently stroked his messy hair, "your screaming is so...celestrial."

Castiel struggled to stay focus, asked weakly, "why are you doing this? What did I do wrong?"

"No reason. Because I want to." Dean's devilish grin was charming as usual. He inhaled, taking into the scent of the angel, tongue licked his blood-stained lips, "Because I can."

"Dean...Please...This isn't you!"

"You don't really know me, Cas. Have you forgotten when you 'raised me from perdition,' what was I doing to the souls down there?" Dean's touch was so light and warm, it was supposed to be one thing that Castiel wanted the most. But then it only made him shiver.

"The version of me that you imagined, that you loved, never have existed, "Dean said the final words, and then used his hands tore Castiel's chest open, crushed his heart.

Castiel can still feel the pain from that memory. He knows that his mind is breaking down, close to the point of irreparable. 

He has to remind himself that the last memory is not real because he never told Dean about his true feeling, at least not in any way that Dean could comprehend. So if Dean mentioned "love," then it cannot be real.

Even though the memory is fake, the feelings were real. Castiel felt the betrayal, felt the desperation, felt fear, felt pain...All kinds of pain, all kinds of abomination and blasphemy... He was tortured by the love of his life. 

Someone enters the room, and every muscle on Castiel's body twitches. Michael's beautiful face appears in his sight, the distant blues regarding him in amusement, "I'm almost done with you, just want to give you a bit final touch."

Michael stretches his hand toward the broken angel, and Castiel closes his eyes.

This time, he is sent back to a distant memory.

It was when Jack died the first time. Three of them were sitting around the table, trying to drink themselves to oblivion. Alcohol could not affect Castiel, but he stayed there and drank with the brothers. They talked about those few good times in their lives, tried to pieces back what they had lost just a little. They talked about the first time Jack went on a hunt with them, how excited Jack was when he watched NBA Final, how confused when Jack asked them why Dean liked "Asian Beauty" so much...

Sam went back to his room first, and Castiel sat with Dean and drank more. Until Dean started slurring, and eyes became cloudy. Castiel decided the alcohol level in Dean's blood was high enough, so he grabbed Dean's cup and said firmly, "Dean, you need to go to sleep."

Dean glanced at him but didn't put up a fight. He sighed, tried to stand up, but he lost his balance. Castiel caught him, asked worriedly, "are you ok?"

Dean patted him on his forearm, "I'm fine, just being human that's all."

Castiel supported Dean back to the hunter's room, helped him lying on the bed, and then he left...

At least he was supposed to leave.

This time, things changed. Dean grabbed his coat and was staring him with those beautiful emerald eyes, spoke gravely, "don't go."

Castiel's heart skipped a beat. He sat down reluctantly, "what else do you need?"

Dean just stared at him, not even blinking.

Castiel opened his dry mouth, "You need to rest." 

Dean asked, "why are you still here?"

Castiel regarded him in defeat," you asked me not to go."

"I'm not talking about now. I'm talking about why are you still with us?" Dean's husky voice filled with sadness, "whoever gets too close to us usually doesn't end well. Bobby, Kevin, Crowley, and now Jack."

Castiel narrowed his eyes, tried to see through Dean's words into his mind. He answered, "Because you are my family."

"Is that so?"

Castiel was getting confused, "what are you trying to say, Dean?"

"You should leave, Cas, before it's too late."

"No." Castiel frowned, "I will not leave you."

"Why? I do not deserve your loyalty."

"You do." Castiel could feel the suffocating self-loathing and hurt from every energy emitted from Dean's body. He had lost too much, had been through too much, and sometimes even Castiel forgot Dean is just a human. He looked into Dean's eyes and said wholeheartedly, "to me, you deserve every good thing in this world."

Dean only chuckled, "don't be so cheesy Cas, I almost thought you are in love with me."

Castiel froze, words stuck in his throat.

The uncomfortable silent shined some revelation on Dean, he was stunned, mouth slightly opened. When the silence was getting too much, he asked carefully, "Cas, do you really..."

Of course it is true. How could there be any other explanation?

For eons of Castiel's existence, he was always the most upright loyal warrior of the Lord. And a couple months after he met Dean he just went rogue all the way to the bottom. He disobeyed, was hunted and hated by all his brothers and sisters. Even when he was savagely brainwashed into some professional Dean killer, he could still break the control when the real Dean pleads once. Whenever someone powerful put Dean and any other more glorious things on a scale, he always chose Dean.

In the end, the only thing matter to him is just this one human.

Seeing Dean's rising revelation face, Castiel wanted to run. But he didn't. He gathered all of his courage, holding Dean's sight, silently confirmed Dean's hypothesis. 

But then, Dean's expression shifted to something else. 

Disgust, humiliation, loathsome.

"So this is your secret craving all along." Dean looked at him as if he is something dirty, something gross, "You are waiting for a chance? to be fucked by me?"

The sudden shift froze Castiel to the core. His head went blank, terrors filled his eyes. This was not how he imagined Dean would react. Rejection, yes, but never loath, never disgust.

He wanted to run but could not find his wings.

"Dean, I never meant to let you know..."

"Then why tell me now?! What am I supposed to say? What do you want? You think I would what...like you back?" Dean's expression was so cold, flaming with anger, "do you think I own you? Because you have given up everything for me? I didn't ask you to love me, Cas. Even if you take a woman's vessel, I still won't fuck you!"

"I...I know..."Castiel didn't even know what he was saying anymore. He couldn't breathe. It felt like someone just stabbed him with a knife and then poured poison into his wound.

"I don't want your love, I didn't ask for this!" As if he hadn't made himself clear, Dean tramped on his heart pieces even more.

Castiel knew, he always knew. But why did he had to be so cruel to him? He didn't ask for anything, did he?

He just wanted to have a family, just wanted to stay with the man he loves, as a friend.

Or maybe, he was never a friend to Dean, he was just a tool.

"You should leave."Dean turned away, "I don't ever want to see you again. You are dead to me."

Castiel hears the sound of something shattered.

At that moment, all the thin barriers between false memory and real memory collapse. Days after days mental torment crushes his self-preservation, tearing the angel's essence apart.

Michael let go of his hand, satisfies to see the blue sparkle in Castiel's eyes extinguished. He caresses Castiel's forehead gently, heals all the wounds that were created by Naomi. He speaks in the same light and amusing tone, "This is the real fall, my brother. The end of eternity. I have to say, the Winchesters have already done a great job of breaking you. Even before I started all this, you have already begun to fall. You must have noticed that you are losing power, am I right?"

Castiel regards him with a pair of hollow eyes, as if he can no longer understand his words.

Michael slowly unties his restrictions, keep speaking, "You will not die immediately, my little brother. You will fade gradually and slowly, and you will watch me destroy the man you love, burning everything and everyone you care into ashes. "


	4. Hang On

Dean feels tired, so tired that he let his guard down, and he cannot help but admit to himself that he misses Cas, and he is on the verge of giving up.

So many things happened in the past few weeks. They lost the Equalizer; God is still in the game and planning who knows what kind of awful 'ending' for them; Sam, on the other hand, seemed to get better, no more violent dreams or visions, and he is more like himself now. But Dean knows this is not the end of it. The wound is still there, and something terrible is looming in the near future, grinning at them with sharpened teeth. They just haven't hit their "mark" yet.

No matter what he does, he fails. No matter what choices he makes, it is going to end with losing someone he cares, and he doesn't have many loved ones left to lose now. Only two of them to be exact, and losing any one of them would be his destruction. 

Age and baggage are catching upon him, and he feels so tired and angry all the time. He wants to stop, but he doesn't know how to stop. And the worst part is, Sammy is still trying so hard, trying to get his brother back to the game. 

But Dean is just tired, tired of losing, of helplessness, of holding the weight of the world on their shoulder. So he left on a case by himself, tries to get some time to sort his frustration out.

His phone ring startles him.

It is a call from Smith Center police. 

"Mr. Winchester, do you know a man associates with the name Clarance?" The officer said in a flat business tone.

Dean stammers, "ye-yeah? What happened?"

"Sir, we found him passed out in Wagner Park. There was no identification document of him except his phone, and we found your number in the contact list. " 

Cas passed out in a park? What did the hell happen?

A couple of hours later, Dean enters a hospital corridor, scuttling through people to find the trench coat angel. The officer who talked to him on the phone is standing outside the ward, waiting for him impatiently.

"He hasn't woken up."She tells Dean, "the doctors are not sure what causes the pass out, no visible damage on the body tho."

Dean rushes to the side of the bed and finds Castiel lying there, looks worn and fragile, some description that Dean never thought could be used to describe the stubborn angel. He never realized how much Castiel has changed since they first met until now.

Ten years ago, when Castiel first walked into that barn, head held high, bright blue eyes burning with faith and power, he was such an otherworldly entity, both celestial and intimidating. And now, years of struggling, doubting, losing and hurting has left irreversible marks on him, and the once faithful eyes are filled with regret and sadness.

Castiel chose him, chose them, and this is what he gets in return. 

"Cas?"

As if a miracle happens, Castiel stirs a little. His hand twitches, eyelids flutter several times, slowly opening with hesitation. A layer of mist covering his irises, giving him a hollow and confusing look.

"Cas! How do you feel man? " Dean sits on the edge of the bed, almost wants to hold Castiel's hand, to touch him and care for him. But he didn't.

Castiel's sight gradually focuses on Dean's face, recognizing those beautiful green eyes of his downfall. And Castiel's expression changes in a second. Horror and panic are gushing out of his dialect eyes.

"No! You have to leave! You cannot be here!"He yells desperately in his hoarse voice, frenetically pulls the IVs out of his hand. Dean grabs his hands in shock, trying to hold down the panic angel, "Wow! Wow! Easy man! Calm down!"

Castiel grabs Dean's jacket and staring at him desperately, "this is a trap, Michael is here!"

With that has been said, something changes around them. The constant white noises of a typical hospital abruptly stop, as if a radio is turned off. Goosebumps are spreading all over Dean's arms, as he can feel someone is standing behind him. Someone was not with them one second ago.

"Hello, Dean." Michael curls his lips.

Castiel noticed that Michael changed his vessel back to Adam Winchester, probably trying to induce more pain to the Winchesters. 

Dean curses in his mind. He should have known when the hell opened this motherfucker would get out as well. Their past enemies keep coming back, yet their loved ones are gone forever.

Dean should have feared for his life, but he doesn't. He is angry.

"What did you do to Cas you bastard!" Dean growls, slightly shift his body to shield Castiel.

Michael laughs lightly, coldness frosting in his eyes, "Me? I didn't do anything. You, on the other hand, did a lot to him."

Castiel flinches. He told himself that those memories that are torturing him are not real, that Dean didn't do or say any of those cruel things. 

But are they? 

"Let him go." Castiel struggles not to show his nervousness and fear, trying to keep his voice steady, and he is failing, "It was me said yes to Lucifer first. If not me, he would have still been in the cage with you. I am the only one to be blamed."

Michael tilts his head slightly, looking at the other two curiously, "I am impressed, Castiel. After all those things happened, you still want to defend him. But don't worry, I am not going to kill any of you today. It turns out that our father has other plans for you and your brother, Dean. And I will be enjoying watching you three being utmostly destroyed. And then, I will come to collect the debt."

Michael disappears. 

All the white noises and the smell of sanitizers rush back like a wave. Dean realizes that Michael is gone, and they are once again back to the mundane world. He is confused about what Michael said, but right now he has a more urgent matter to attend. 

"Cas, what happend? What did he do?" Dean tries to hold Castiel's shoulder, but the angel flitches away, looking at him with pure fear that hasn't been hide well. 

Castiel is feeling weak and used. Just by looking at Dean's eyes makes him want to cry, and his heart aches so bad that he wants to tear his chest open and cuts it out. He uses all his force to control his expression, to keep his voice from shaking, "I have no power anymore."

Dean remembers two weeks ago when Castiel was leaving, he told Dean that his power was failing. But Dean didn't say anything back. 

"Why? Was it Michael? Or God?"Dean's brows furrow into a concern knot, also hurting a little from Castiel's retreat reaction.

Why does Cas flinch to his touch? Does he hate him that much now?

The glimpse of fear is gone, Castiel speaks in a matter of fact voice now, shows no sign of any emotion, "I don't know. It started before Michael got me, but Michael accelerated it."

Dean curses, and then tries to calm down by saying, "it's ok, we will find a way to fix it, like we always do."

To his surprise, Castiel quietly says, "it's ok Dean, you should leave. I don't know what game Michael is playing, but he may come back."

"What do you mean it's ok?! Come on, I'm taking you home." 

Dean senses there is something wrong with Cas, something very wrong. It's the way Cas refuses to look him in the eyes, the hollow tone Cas speaks in, and the ashen tint covering the angel's aura. 

"I don't think it's a good idea." Castiel answers dryly, "I cannot help you with anything anymore. I am going to be a burden to you and Sam."

Dean feels like being punched in the face, and he knows it was his fault. He could be insensitive sometimes and hurts people close to him. He opens his mouth but still couldn't say anything comforting. Dean is just not capable of comforting people, "Don't be stupid. Let's go home."

He gingerly removes Castiel's IVs and supports the angel's weakened body. Castiel is shaking, and it is not from the cold. 

What did the hell happen? 

He should have found Cas sooner. He should have listened to Sam.

Dean gets Castiel dresses back to his old clothes, answers some questions from the police, and then drives home. Castiel sleeps at the backseat, breathes so light that Dean has to check on him from time to time to make sure he is still alive. 

He hasn't seen Castiel sleep yet. Cas never sleeps. 

Or maybe Cas slept before when he lost his grace and was trapped inside the human body, but Dean never got the chance to see Cas sleep. 

And why is that?

Dean sighs, looking into the reflector. Cas's brows are knotting, as if he is in pain. His chapped lips are moving slightly. Ten minutes later, a shriek erupts from the weary angel and startles Dean, almost causes him to drive off the road. 

"Jesus fucking christ Cas! You almost gave me a heart attack!"Dean steadies Baby in a cold sweat. 

Castiel sits up, looking haunted and scared, and speaks in a panic voice, "I'm...I'm sorry..."

Dean looks into the mirror again, and his heart sinks. 

Cas was quickly sweeping something glittering from his eyes, trying to hide it from him.

"Um...Its ok Cas. Bad dream?"Dean curses himself, he should have say something better, better than this. 

Castiel gathers himself, straightens his back. He decides he is not going to sleep the rest of the drive, "Yes..."

"So, what happened in these two weeks? What did Michael do to you? It's ok if you don't want to talk about it now but..."

"He did something to my head. Like Naomi did to me before." Castiel answers in a distant voice as if he is talking about someone else's head.

"What?! So he has been trying to control you?"

"No, nothing like that, at least as far as I know. If you are worrying, you can drop me here."

"No! Once again, I am not going to abandon you in the middle of nowhere! What's the matter with you?!" 

"I just want you to know that it's ok. I don't blame you. It was all my fault."

"What? What are you talking about? "Dean is freaking out. He always knows that Cas has some self-esteem problems since he...since he chose to stand by their side and not heaven. But now, he can feel that something in Castiel is completely shattered. 

Castiel doesn't answer anymore. He leans on the window, looking into the starless sky. He tells himself, it will be ok, his end is coming soon, and all the pain will cease with it. He just needs to hang on a little longer.


	5. Homecoming

Sam is surprised to see Dean brings Cas back and immediately begins to worry about the angel's state. Cas looks...dim, as if something vibrating has been blown off. 

"Cas! Where were you?! I have been trying to reach you for weeks!" Sam rushes to their side, finding Dean is supporting Castiel at his back. 

"Michael got him." Dean answers for Castiel. 

Sam's eyes dialect, "What did he want? Are you okay Cas?"

Castiel opens his dry lips and answers, "I'm fine."

You say you are fine, no matter if it is true. He has learned from the best.

"I'm gonna take him to my room. He needs to rest." Dean says while guiding Castiel to the corridor. Sam suddenly realized that although Castiel has stayed with them for a while now, he never had a room in the bunker. The angel doesn't sleep and doesn't have any personal possessions, so Cas didn't need a place.

Dean opens his door, settles Castiel on the bed, watching the angel lies down exhaustedly, and then drags the sheet over him. He and Sam quietly exit, closing the door behind them without making any extra noises. 

Sam asks right away, "what happened to him?"

"He wouldn't say much, but he has lost all his power." Dean pauses, something painful haunting in those green eyes that have seen too much suffering, "Whatever happened to him, it was something bad. They messed up his head."

"Messed up how? Like controlling him? "

"I dunno. Cas said it was nothing like that." Dean rubs his hair, looking defeated. Sam put up a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort his distressed brother, "We will figure this out."

"Yeah...yeah, we will." Dean agrees, though more like trying to convince himself. 

Since Castiel slept in his room, Dean spent the night in the library looking for anything about the angel's torture method. Sam helped him until he was too tired and went back to his room, yet Dean lingered. Finding not much, the hunter eventually fell asleep on one of the books he was reading. The next morning, Dean is awoken by a noise from the war room.

It is only 5 am.

Dean walks out of the library to check if its Sam and surprised to find a pale Castiel carrying one of Dean's bag and walking toward the exit of the bunker.

"Where the heck are you going?" Dean stares him intensively.

Castiel is startled, looking at him with a hint of guilt. Dean scans around, finding a note has been left on the table, on it writes, "I took some of your food and one of your bags, thank you for everything and don't look for me."

Castiel's writing clearly.

Dean is furious. He strides across the room all the way up to the stairs like a raging bull. Castiel shivers, stepping back and recoils a little. Dean pauses, noticing the thing in Cas's eyes that is so strange and yet breaking Dean's heart a little.

Fear.

Fear of Dean.

Cas has never feared of him before. Even when he was influenced by the Mark of Cain and beat the angel half to death covering in blood, Cas still stubbornly tried to pull him, to stop him from leaving, from giving up.

Dean tries to soften his attitude and asks, "Where are you going? "

"Its none of your business."

Dean almost cannot believe his ears. Castiel said it nonchalantly as if they are total strangers. "It is my fucking business because you are in my house now!"

"I am trying to fix that. Can't you see?"Castiel turns around and trying to grab the doorknob. But Dean stops him by pulling the door back.

"You are not going anywhere until we are sure what caused your power to fail and what Michael did to you!"

"Oh, so you can continuously use me?"Castiel is smiling, ironically, coldly, and hurtfully, "Trust me, this time, my humanize is final."

Castiel just wants to leave. 

To find a place that he could be alone, to stay away from everything, stay away from his greatest love and greatest sorrow, and dies alone. No one needs to know, no one needs to go through any trouble to burn his body. He will wipe himself up, not causing any more problems for anyone.

He doesn't want Dean watching him dying slowly, eventually succumbs to fear, and struggles in disgrace. He'd rather let them think he is a jerk.

Besides, he cannot face Dean now, there is too much pain. Every venom that the Dean spat in those memories, every rejection, every burning hate... He realizes they are not pure illusions. They have rooted in his memories, and that was how Michael made the dreams exceptionally realistic. 

He also remembered how many times he failed Dean and Sam, how many times he betrayed their trust, and how many unspeakable crimes he had committed. He broke Sam's mental wall; slaughtered thousands of angels; almost killed the brothers; released leviathans to the human world; caused the Big Fall that leading to angel extinction; unable to protect Jack; didn't tell them about Jack was not right, and he caused Dean and Sam losing their mother, one more time.

He deserves all those things Dean did to him in the illusions, he deserves all kinds of torture. He does not deserve to be forgiven nor to be happy.

He is trash, a broken tool, a fallen angel that is no good to this universe.

Dean is taken aback by Castiel's sneer. Anger is building up once again, just when he is about to say something he may going to regret minutes later, Sam's voice interrupts their intense staring, "uh...is everything okay?"

"Yes."

"No!"

Cas and Dean state synchronized. Sam looks at the hunting bag Castiel is holding, asks hesitantly, "Cas, are you trying to leave?"

Castiel doesn't answer, turning away his head.

Dean answeres for him, "apparently, he thinks it is not our fucking business."

Sam frowns, "Cas, you cannot leave in your current condition. I know some issues hadn't been solved last time when you left, but we are family, things will work out, and we will not let you go. If it is necessary, we will lock you in, and I am not kidding."

Dean snatches the bag from Castiel's hand, throws it down from the top floor, and looks at Castiel defiantly. 

Castiel glares at Dean, blue eyes emitting all kinds of powerful and deadly angel vibe. But Dean is not backing up, continuously glaring back, as if saying: "bite me." 

Sam picks up the bag, looking up and sighs defeatedly, "ok...can you two do your eye-fucking thing later? Cas, just come down already. "

"Fine!"Castiel strides down the stairs, walking halfway to his previous room and then realizes it is actually Dean's room. Giving the situation that they just had a fight, it would be awkward to walk back to Dean's room and slams the door. He stops on his way abruptly, looking slightly embarrassed.

Sam, being the sensible one, picks up the obscure mood right away, "and we need to get you a room."

Such and such, Castiel stays, but he rarely comes out of his room. His strength is getting back, colors are returning to his cheeks. But he still looks dull, like a sword that is tarnished by layers of dust and taint. 

Dean and Sam never leave him alone in the bunker. If there is a job, one of them will go, and the other stays behind. Cas has no chance to sneak out again, and one day, he decides he will just give in.

"I won't leave. You should all go. "Castiel is sitting in front of the dining table, speaking in a concerned voice, "If Charlie asks for your help, it won't be an easy case. She needs both of you."

Dean and Sam exchange some peculiar look, seemingly having a trusting issue. Castiel grunts annoyingly, "I am not trying to trick you!"

Dean is still giving him a suspicious look while Sam trying to lull the irritated angel, "Cas, don't worry about us. Charlie said it is a cursed doll, so probably just a really difficult ghost. We have handled worse, remember?"

"If it is just a ghost, Charlie wouldn't have called you."Castiel regards both hunters with a stern look, "if you really worry about me running away, I guess I can come with you. I know I don't have any power and could be a burden, but I can..."

"Cas, stop reproaching yourself like that." Dean suddenly erupted, displeasing, "it's getting old."

Castiel lowers his eyelid, trying not to show any hurt in his eyes. He didn't mean to speak like a self-pitying cry baby. 

Sam considered for a second and brightens a bit, "It is actually a good idea. Cas has recovered, and we may need a third hand."

Sam also has noticed that Castiel's self-loathing issue is getting worse. He only eats to keep himself alive, rarely comes out of his room, not interested in anything, and always acts like he doesn't care about himself's wellness anymore. It scares Dean and him, warning signs of depression are everywhere, and they cannot find a way to fix it. 

If Cas could know that he is not useless, that he is needed and loved, maybe things will improve.

"Are you sure? "Dean is reluctant, don't want to put the angel into more unnecessary danger, "I mean it could get nasty, and I may not be able to keep an eye on you all the time."

"I don't need you to babysit me, Dean."Anger flashes behind Cas's eyes. He has known that Dean thinks he is just a 'baby in a trench coat,' that without his power he is just a punching bag. But hearing it again and again still gives him a bitter taste in his mouth.

Sam kicks Dean's shin under the table. Dean grimaces, goggles at Sam cluelessly. 

Sam rolls his eyes, sighs, and determines to make up mind for the two idiots, "ok, Cas, you come with us."


	6. Breaking

The atmosphere in the car is glacial. Sam sits restlessly, desperately trying to generate some generic conversations to break the awkward silence.

He has felt like a couple dispute counselor more and more often these recent years...

"So Cas, did you read the articles Charlie sent us?"

"Yes."

"What do you think?"

"I do not think it is a ghost since the doll was purchased from a legit toy store and was given to the girl right away."

"Maybe it's a Chucky scenario, you know some psycho's blood spilled on it or something." Dean grunts, giving a brief look to Cas through the reflector. 

"Chucky is a fictional cursed doll from the movie. I understand your reference." Castiel speaks nonchalantly, "but I do not think it is the same situation here since Charlie has tried to salt and burn it. It would help if you could have read her message more carefully."

"Oh, I'm sorry? Maybe I was too occupied to notice since I was trying to be vigilant of your constant effort to run away?"

"I said I won't leave! Why do you care anyway? You didn't mind before."

"What does that suppose to mean?!"

"Ok!Ok! Calm down guys!"Sam yells with a headache. This situation is far too familiar...

They stopped at a motel since it is still a day's driving. Castiel follows Dean to one room, while Sam is opening the door next to them. 

Cas asks curiously, "you are not staying with Dean?"

Sam smiles, "yeah, it's too small for three guys, you guys have fun."

Cas really doubts he will have any fun to be stuck in a room with Dean this whole night, while he lost all his grace and is far more easily influenced by human emotions. 

Dean throws his bag on the nearest bed and begins to undress, while Castiel walking toward the other bed, sits rigidly, and appears to be unsure of where should he put his eyes. 

"Gotta take a shower, you ok by yourself?" Dean pulls off his shirt casually and asks. The dim lights dancing on his muscle curves, forming gleaming rims, contouring his upper body.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Castiel lowers his eyes and hates himself for feeling a small bit of hotness on his cheek. He has to stop this wanting because it will only cut him deeper and deeper.

Sound of water coming from the washroom. Cas sits for a while, then stands up to take off his trench coat. Suddenly a piece of memory invades his mind like a sharpened knife, slicing his mind.

He remembers Dean stripped off his trench coat with such a fervor, desire oozing out from his jade eyes like burning lava. Dean kissed him on his lip, exchanging wet and hot saliva and robing his breath. Dean's body pressed into his, trapping him between the strong arms and the wall behind his back. 

He cannot remember how did they get to that stage, but it must be during the time when his grace was fading because, as an angel, he does not have much sexual impulsiveness. The kiss was so real, he remembers every detail. How Dean's tongue moved in his mouth, Dean's hand reaching under his shirt, rubbing on his naked skin. He had kissed back with all his repressed hunger and wanting, with all those smothered love and desire. 

Dean fucked him that night. He bent Cas over the motel bed, shoved down Cas's pants, opened him with his gentle and experienced fingers, and entered into the deepest place of Cas's body. Castiel screamed and moaned in the overwhelming feeling of fulfillment, he had never felt so many levels of intense sensations, had never comprehended the meaning of paradise. 

He was so close to happiness, to a dream coming true.

And then, the next morning, he woke up to a pair of green eyes full of regret and coldness. Dean was not in bed with him. He was all dressed up, packing his belongings. 

"Dean?" Castiel asked, still naked under the quilt. Too naked. Dean's cold eyes made him nervous, so he held the cover tighter.

"I'm leaving." Dean said without looking at him.

Castiel frowned confusingly, "something happened?"

"Damn right something happened. "Dean suddenly jerked his head toward his direction, anger and regret hovering in his irises, his hand pointed to the bed they were sharing last night, "this happened."

An icicle pierced through Castiel's heart, he understood then. 

Dean regretted. 

For Castiel, last night was a pure blessing, but for Dean, it was just a bad mistake. 

"Why didn't you stop me?! You knew I was drunk!"Dean yelled at him as if it was all his fault. Castiel couldn't breathe.

"Don't you blame it on me!" He forgot to cover himself, let the cover fell, revealing his love-marked upper body, "You wanted this!"

"No, YOU wanted this! You tricked me! You got me drunk and you took advantage of me!"Dean spat out in disgust.

Horror struck Castiel. He couldn't believe something so sweet and perfect and precious could turn into a nightmare so fast. He couldn't say anything, words had lost him. Tears swirling in his eyes, he turned his head and spoke coldly, trying to mask his devastation, "leave."

And then, Dean left. He was all alone again.

Is this memory real or not? 

It feels so real...It hurts so much. He wants the pain to stop, but he doesn't know how.

It may as well be real. If it really happened, Cas is sure this would exactly be Dean's reaction.

"Cas! What happened?"

Castiel snaps out of the memory and finds Dean standing in front of him, hair is still damp from the shower, looking at him in bewilderment. Cas's face is feeling cold, and when he touches his cheek, there are tears. 

Shit.

"Nothing, it's just...allergic reaction." Castiel panics a little, trying to muddle through. 

"Allergic? To what? And since when?" Dean is obviously not convinced.

"Since I am basically a human now. I succumb more to this body's nature." Castiel replies in the most prudish way.

Dean hesitantly sits across him on the other bed, using the towel hanging on his neck to dry his head. He is still staring at Castiel, like studying a bomb that could set off at any time. 

"Look, Cas, you gotta talk to me."Dean is not letting this go. His body leans toward Cas, eyes fix on him, regarding his every micro expression. He wants to help Cas because, despite their rupture, he still cares about him.

Cas wants to run. 

"I'm hungry." Cas stands up, pulling his coat back on, "we should go fetch some food."

It is a bad idea.

They go to the nearest bar to eat, and a beautiful black-haired girl offers to buy Dean a drink. Dean moves to her side immediately. They are talking, flirting, laughing, chemical sparks in the air. Dean's eyes are full of joy and devilish playfulness, no one can say no to those eyes. 

The smile, the desire, the joyfulness...they will never belong to him.

Castiel lowers his eyes and drinks.

Sam looks at Dean's direction with a warm smile, shaking his head slightly. Then he notices the sadness in Cas's eyes.

"Cas, are you ok?"

Castiel looks at him and smiles, speaks in a light tone, "yeah, I'm fine."

"How do you feel so far? "

"This is not the first time I become human. I can handle it."

"Good, good. It's just...sometimes Dean I could be too occupied with everything and...if you want to talk about anything, I'm here."

Castiel smiles warmly, "thank you Sam, it means a lot."

Another laughter is coming from the girl. Dean is leaning toward her and saying something, they are too close, almost looks like they are kissing. 

It is just too much. Castiel can feel his hand is shaking, and the little food he just shoved down to his throat is threatening to come back out. He stands up, tries to talk casually, "I'm sleepy, I will go back now. You two have fun."

"Ok, I am heading back soon, let me know if you need anything."

"I will, good night."

He manages to walk out of the bar calmly and then runs all the way back. He slams the door shut and curls himself into a fetus position on the floor.

"Please stop...please stop..."He repeatedly murmurs, trying to get a hold to himself. This should have been nothing. Dean flirts and stays out with girls all the time. And if they manage to survive God and everything, someday Dean will have his own family, his love of life...If he cannot handle this, then how can he...

But maybe he doesn't have to, perhaps by the time, he is already long gone.

Cas lies on the ground for a while, trying to soothe himself, trying to reason with himself. About half an hour later, he hears Sam comes back and enters the next room. Castiel stands up, moves to the washroom to take a shower, and then falls on his bed exhaustedly. 

Dean didn't go with the girl eventually. He worried about leaving Cas alone in that room for the night so he comes back. The room is dark, Cas is already sleeping.

Dean moves toward the angel quietly, wants to check if everything is ok. Cas huddles up under the quilt, dark shadow lingering under his eyes. The angel looks so worn, so tired and sad. And that sadness stings Dean's heart.

And then, he hears Cas murmuring something. He moves closer, listening carefully, and the words become clear. 

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I know I don't worth it...please don't go...please don't leave me...Dean..."


End file.
